Jake, Jake Reed

*2

Remember how we engaged in both the Spanish-American war and World War 1 because a boat sank and someone intercepted a letter? Grow up America, let’s get mad over other stuff.

*8

This is America people

Hanukkah: The Maccabees successfully rebelled against Antiochus IV Epiphanes. According to the Talmud, a late text, the Temple was purified and the wicks of the menorah miraculously burned for eight days, even though there was only enough sacred oil for one day's lighting
Kwanzaa: week-long celebration held in the United States and Canada but also celebrated in the African Diaspora. The celebration honors African heritage in African Canadian and African-American culture, and is observed from December 26th to January 1st of each year
Christmas: this big ass dude flies around the world with his sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. He lands on your roof and goes down the chimney and leaves you a bunch of free shit. He then shoves some candy and toys in the sock you hung over your fireplace and eats your food on his way back to his house on the uninhabitable north pole where he has a bunch of happy midgets that make name brand shit all year.

*14

Freedom